Short and Sweet
One Liners to Tickle your guests with On St. Pats Day

Irish toast: May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead.

As the Irishman said to William Wallace in "Braveheart" -- " The Lord said he can get me outof this one, but he's pretty sure you're fucked."   and another one " In order to find his equal, an Irishman is forced to talk to God"

Q.     What is Irish diplomacy?
A.     It's the ability to tell a man to go to hell.
        So that he will look forward to making the trip

When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland, what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who saw any snakes!

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant. "She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Finnegan.

Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having an armalite.

Billy and Pa' were walking in the woods when they came across a sign saying, "Tree Fellers wanted". One of them said, "Ye know, it's a shame paddy isn't here. We could have gotten the job".

Pat and Kyran were getting ready to go on a camping trip. The first one said "I'm taking along a gallon of whiskey just in case of rattlesnake bites. What are you taking?" The other one said "Two rattlesnakes!"

Paddy and Murphy were walking down a road one day, Paddy said, Murphy, can you see that beautiful wood over there Murphy, I can't see, theirs trees in the way!

A visitor  to a small Irish village commented to a local Garda that it was a quiet little place.  The Garda replied, quiet to be sure, we haven't buried a living soul in years.

Seamus do you understand French, I do if its spoken in Irish

Two Irishmen had just won $5000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Sean replies, we'll just keep sending them.

Two farmers were driving their tractor down the middle of a country road.  A car comes around the corner backs hard to avoid them , skids, tumbles twice and land in a field.  Jimmy say to Eamonn it's just as well we got out of that field.

Two drunks coming home, stumbled up the country road in the dark. "Faith, Mike, we've stumbled into the graveyard and here's the stone of a man lived to the age of 103!" "Glory be, Patrick and was it anybody we knew?" "No, 'twas someone named 'Miles from Dublin'!"

"T''was the Irish what invented the pipes, you know, and they gave them to the Scots as a joke.  And you Scots have'nt gotten the joke yet!!"

Ver 1    What have Irishmen and Jesus Christ got in common?

The both lived with their mother until they were 33 and neither had  a job.

Ver 2   How do we know that Christ was Irish?

Because he was 33 still lived at home thought his mother was a virgin and she thought he was the son of God.


Q:  What is black and blue and found floating up sidedown in the Irish sea?

A:  Someone who's tells a stupid Irish joke

One night I was chatting with my Mum about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last. She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years: "When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a penny, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance." 

Why did God invent whiskey?
So the Irish would never rule the world.