New Years Resolutions for
12. Have a
torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.
11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and I am from Mars.
10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.
9. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major
8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to
us when no one is around.
7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or
they'll flush my ass.
5. Always scoot before licking.
4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much
food is *too* much.
3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.
2. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd -
December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
Number 1 New Year's Resolutions Made by Pets...
will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND
Take twelve, fine, full-grown months, see that these are thoroughly free
from all old memories of bitterness, rancor, hate and jealousy; cleanse
them completely from every clinging spite: pick off all specks of
pettiness and littleness; in short , see that these months are freed
from all the past; have them as fresh and clean as when they first came
from the great storehouse of Time.
Cut these months into thirty or thirty-one equal parts. This batch will
keep for just one year. Do not attempt to make up the whole batch at one
time (so many persons spoil the entire lot in this way), but prepare one
day at a time, as follows:
Into each day put twelve parts of faith, eleven of patience, ten of
courage, nine of of work (some people omit this ingredient and so spoil
the flavor of the rest), eight of hope, seven of fidelity, six of
liberality, five of kindness, four of rest (leaving this out is like
leaving the oil out of the salad, don't do it), three of prayer, two of
meditation, and one well selected resolution. If you have no
conscientious scruples, put in about a teaspoonful of good spirits, a
dash of fun, a pinch of folly, a sprinkling of play, and a heaping
cupful of good humor.
Pour into the whole love ad libitum and mix with a vim. Cook thoroughly
in a fervent heat; garnish with a few smiles and a sprig of joy; then
serve with quietness, unselfishness, and cheerfulness, and a Happy New
Year is certain.
resolutions we can keep..
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you
never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish?
Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
14. Start being superstitious.
15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get
the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope
for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow
stains under the arms.
18. Personal goal: bring back disco.